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One of the greatest components of achieving agency as an adult is knowing when people bring balance to your life and when they don’t. When young, we are desperate to please everyone all the time. We see friends as a quantifiable whole rather than as a set of individual qualifiable relationships. It took me a long time to realise you don’t have to be friends with everyone and that some of my friendships were in fact quite toxic for me, and quite possibly for the other party too. A true friendship brings balance. If you find yourself serving a friend or find yourself being served by a friend this is not balance. Friendships also come without judgement, but this doesn’t mean they come without honest (and sometimes brutally honest) comment. The truth hurts, even if (and sometimes especially if) delivered by a friend. So, step back, breath, close your eyes, think of your friend, what do you feel? Are you worried about them? Is there a feeling of unnecessary transfer? Or deficit? Has something they said wounded you? Or was it in fact spot on? Feel the balance. Or lack thereof. While it may never be possible to completely walk in someone else’s shoes, if a true friend calmly explains their point of view, and you listen without judgement, you will come close to doing just that. And then there is familiarity. Recently I’ve seen friends who haven’t been together for twenty years or more and when they meet it’s as though they were never apart. In friendship trust runs very deep. Friends don’t compete in a jealous or envious way. If you sense yourself indulging in or receiving one-upmanship you are not being a friend nor are you with a friend. Friends don’t only contact you when they need help but they should not be afraid or too proud to ask. It is often not obvious when a friend needs help. Don’t be afraid to have friends. Don’t be afraid to have ex-friends. There are quite possibly people in your life who do not bring balance and people who are giving you too much without return. But don’t assume. Reach out. People are busy. I know some friends who only bring balance when we’re face to face. They never reach out but once we are face to face, it’s as though no time has passed, the focus is one hundred percent; and the exchange, trust, understanding, equanimity, nurture and energy is in complete balance. Why not send some text messages to some old friends? Friends who bring balance. And if they respond, meet them, face to face. And enjoy.
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