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Perfidy, treachery, tergiversation, double-dealing, or plain old backstabbing is much more common than we realize. We can quite easily catch ourselves saying something negative about someone when they are not there. The shame of this is that in one moment it creates three victims. The audience is receiving indefensible information, the subject is being smeared, and the storyteller is forfeiting their integrity. Combatting this is easy. Storyteller - If you frame your negative comment by exhibiting personal suffering you are engaging the audience’s sympathy at the same time. Try to separate the negative comment from the emotional experience. Consider doing away with the comment and dispassionately communicate the actions. Audience - If you hear an emotionally charged negative comment recognise it as such. If what you are hearing bears no connection to reality allow yourself to defend the subject, but most importantly focus on the effect on the storyteller and what you can do to support them. Subject - The ‘paranoic’ feelings of being talked about behind one’s back are stressful, but they are also easy to defuse. Focus on the actual words you feel have been used to describe you. And just ask! Straight out. Dispassionately to the audience, “Has this storyteller ever used any of these words to describe me?” And more generally, “Has this storyteller ever said anything negative about me to you?” In the event your ‘paranoic’ feelings turn out to be true you must speak with the storyteller. But when you do, there is an important rule. You must overuse the word “I” and underuse the word “you”. Dispassionately and with great accuracy, “I spoke with this audience yesterday and she/he confirmed that these words had been used to describe me and I want you to know this hurt my feelings.” Although apologies, denials, or potentially an argument may ensue, no further engagement is required. You can simply walk away. Perfidy is a highly toxic element of our culture. It’s much better to tell each other what we think face to face. To have it out. Otherwise, we risk the grey area of unrebutted claims, emotions or worse, years and years of undermining. You don’t have to accept what you’re hearing, but you do have to listen to it.
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